I want to walk mommy

"I want to walk mommy."  5 little words.  They seem so simple, but when you put them together they are so powerful.  When your child is 27 months old and is paralyzed, these words are very powerful and heartbreaking.

I knew that one day, Isaac would notice something about walking.  I wasn't sure how he would interpret it, but I knew he would.  As a mother with a child with a disability, I don't think there is really any way to prepare or rehearse for these questions.  I do not sit and ponder what I will say to him, I just let my heart answer, and that is what happened the other day; the first time Isaac asked me one of the "tough" questions.

We were getting ready to drop Gabe off at school and I asked Isaac if he wanted the stroller or wheels.  He didn't respond with his usual, "I wants my wheels."  His respond was plain as day."I want to walk mommy."

I want to walk.  

It hit me like a ton of bricks and in an instant my mind flooded with responses.  For a brief moment I thought I might break down into a flood of tears, but something stopped me.  An answer quickly came to me and I strongly replied, "You will someday baby.  One day, you will."  I am certain the Holy Spirit took over my words at that moment and helped guide me to say what I needed to believe and what he needed to hear because when I really think about what Isaac said, it breaks my heart knowing that right now, it's not possible.

You see, ever since Isaac was a baby and I knew in my heart and mind, that he would need a wheelchair, but I also had this fire in me.  It was a strong belief that I knew that Isaac would walk someday.  I knew it might not be for awhile, but it would happen.  I believe in God's healing miracles.  He could heal Isaac at any moment if that is His will.  I do also believe that He will guide modern medicine to find ways to help those with paralysis.  But somehow over the past year, I have somehow suppressed these strong feelings and allowed acceptance into my heart.  I don't think it has been a bad thing at all to allow acceptance.   In fact it has been a gift. This was a true acceptance of his abilities to wheel to crawl, and it was also an acceptance that he may never walk.  It gave me peace that I now know his life will be fulfilling whether he walks or not.  He had already proven that he has a lot more going on that will get him far in life whether he walks or not.  For example, this kid has a killer personality and amazes me with the words that come out of his mouth.  He charms people but he also knows exactly what he wants and is not afraid to tell anyone.  He is compassionate and loving and so cuddly.  His confidence and love for life is what will bring him success.  His trust in God and love of people will move mountains.  So this acceptance of a wheelchair was very important for me.  Allowing acceptance has been an integral part of my journey.

But now, I am reminded, of the fire inside me.  The prayerful days for miracles and the true belief that anything is possible with God, must return to my heart.  Isaac did not say, Why can't I walk.  He said, I want to walk.  Isaac does not see that he can't do it.  He just knows that he wants to.  And I will add, this child is determine to have exactly what he wants.

So today, I step forward in trusting God's plan.  I do believe that each one of us has a special plan to help the world become a better, more loving place.  I have witnessed God's love so much through others because of Isaac.  Now I know it is time, to listen to the Holy Spirit and help make a difference, so that when God is ready to help Isaac walk, we will be ready.

I now have the go ahead from Isaac.... He is ready.  He wants to walk and I know, someday he will!