While it is painful to revisit those memories, it is important. It is through that pain of my journey that I am able to peel off the layers of ugly about myself.... judgement, prejudice, ignorance, anger, guilt, self-centeredness, fear....
Through time, tears, prayer, self-reflection, support of loved ones; I realized that God had a different plan than mine. It didn't seem fair to me and I didn't understand why I couldn't just have my plan. Hadn't I been obedient enough? What had I done to deserve this? I did not want His plan. I wanted to run. I wanted to run far from His plan.
But something stopped me from running. It was larger than hope, larger than my faith in God. No matter what I did to try to run, I couldn't. This force was much greater than anything.
It was Love. It was the love from everyone around us. It was love from my husband. It was the love I knew of being a mother of Gabriel. It was love for this baby boy within me. I had loved him from the moment I felt we should have another child. This child, Isaac Michael, was meant to be and I loved him. I knew that I had to embrace his journey and follow God's will for him. Isaacs's plan was no longer in my hands.... but now I know, it never was in my hands.
I have read countless blogs and books of other parents' journeys.... down syndrome, dwarfism, autism, spina bifida, etc. I can relate to each of them in some way. Sometimes it is the thoughts of fear that we have as parents of children with special needs. But most of the time, it is just about love.
I hope that the love from this blog, and other blogs, helps share with the world, that different is beautiful. That weaknesses from one person, can help bring out the strengths in another and that acceptance of others, really means acceptance of ourselves.
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